Okay to
Be Gay

Just like straight men, there are some gay men who are very masculine and some who are very feminine. The combination of male and female expression in an individual is not an indicator of sexual orientation. If all gay men were overtly feminine, none would ever be able to hide in the closet.

Many gay men have bought into this myth too. They grow up thinking that if they can act more masculine, no one will suspect they're gay. But if you believe feminine qualities are bad, you can easily start hating yourself. All people have male and female qualities — attempting to silence one over the other creates a destructive pattern of self-hatred.

To be human is to be feminine and masculine. We all start life as female. There is nothing wrong with being feminine. Perhaps the only thing that stops both gay and straight men from exploring their own feminine nature is the faulty belief that it is not okay to be gay.

Gay people can laugh at themselves and can tell the funniest gay jokes in the world. But many gay people have grown up the brunt of jokes and harassment. For many, each joke can feel more like a knife in the back than a feather on the stomach.

If a Black person tells a joke about Black people, they're funny. When a white person tells the same joke, they're a racist. The same unwritten rule applies to gay people and gay jokes. For far too long, jokes have been used as a weapon — a way of letting any closeted gay person know that it's not safe to venture out of the closet.

There's nothing more healing than being able to laugh at the same jokes that once hurt you. But for too many gay people the wounds are still too fresh.

If gay people don't have families, how did they come to exist? Most gay people come from traditional straight families. Some families abandon their gay children when they come out — but the truth is, gay people don't change when you find out they are gay. Your gay son or daughter is the same person they have always been. You now just know for certain what you may have always suspected.

Many parents have been able to get past their own feelings of guilt, shame, and homophobia to accept — and even celebrate — their gay children. Gay people also make families of their own, through partnership, adoption, chosen family, and friendships that run deeper than blood.

Gay people have always existed and will always exist. They've been in every family, worked every type of job, and played every professional sport. They live in the smallest towns and the biggest cities. Because they've been harassed simply for being who they are, they've become expert at being invisible.

If you think you've never known a gay person, ask yourself why not. If you would be disapproving or hostile around someone you know is gay, then it's no wonder all your gay acquaintances remain in the closet. More than a few parents have learned their child was gay only after their child's death. That's the cost of that particular belief.

Gay people want special rights. Yes — they want the right to love whoever they choose. The right to keep their jobs. The right to visit their dying spouse in the hospital. The right to inherit their spouse's belongings. The right to go to school without being assaulted. The right to not be fired for who they are.

How are these basic human rights considered special? Most Americans assume gay people already have equal rights. Since they think equality already exists, anything more must be "special." The reality is that in many states — including Arizona where I live — there are still no laws protecting LGBTQ people from discrimination in housing or employment.

"So which one of you is the man?" I still get asked this — 36 years later. Many straight people assume that in any sexual relationship one person must play a female role and the other a male role. In general, most gay people just play themselves.

Gay men find men attractive. Why would they want their partner to be "the woman"? One of the genuine joys of being in a gay relationship is freedom from traditional gender roles. One partner can love to cook and the other can love to work on the car — and both partners can still be fully themselves. No set of behaviors is assumed based on gender.

To be gay in our society is to know what it feels like to be different — and to be rejected because of who you are. Many gay people who go through that trauma come out the other side deeply compassionate, sensitive to others' pain, and profoundly willing to help. In the gay community you find extraordinary stories of chosen family, life-long friendship, and the kind of closeness that many straight people never experience.

Some gay people do live lonely lives. So do some straight people. There is nothing about being gay that automatically means a sad existence. There are many examples of incredibly happy gay people — which is, incidentally, one of the reasons they call themselves gay.

How quick we are to criticize what we don't understand. There are gay people in the world who feel the same way about heterosexuality — repulsed by it, finding it foreign and unnatural. Both views are equally understandable and equally absurd.

As human beings, we are most comfortable with what feels normal in our own lives. What is unnatural for a straight person may be perfectly natural for a gay person. For the gay person, same-sex love is the natural expression of their genuine attraction. Forcing someone to act against their nature — now that's a perversion.

This belief comes from a culture that is itself obsessed with sex. Sex scandals dominate headlines from Washington to Hollywood — and for the most part, these scandals don't even involve gay people. Yet somehow gay people get labeled obsessed.

To be human is to be interested in sex. The teenage boy obsessed with women's bodies is celebrated in our culture. The gay teenage boy with the same natural curiosity is shamed, called perverted, and if not careful becomes the victim of a hate crime. That double standard says everything about the culture — and nothing about gay people.

Not only do gay men not hate women — many are deeply fond of them. Gay men and straight women often have wonderful friendships. They share an attraction to men, a frustration with male-dominated culture, and the joys and frustrations of trying to attract men. Gay men are able to see women as whole beings, unblinded by sexual distraction.

Likewise, lesbians and straight men can be great friends. They share much in common — including a love of women — and are free from the complications of sexual attraction in a way that allows for rare, honest friendship. A lack of sexual attraction has never meant hate.

There are gay and straight women who look and act more masculine — and gay and straight women who look and act more feminine. You cannot tell if someone is gay by the way they walk, talk, or wear their hair. Believing that a masculine woman is gay, or that a feminine woman is straight, is buying into a stereotype.

When a woman releases the belief that she exists primarily as a sexual object for men, she is free to determine her own rules about what is attractive and what form her femininity or masculinity will take. Gay women are free to be their natural selves — and there are as many ways of being a lesbian as there are lesbians.

For some gay people this is true. It is also true for many straight people. What this belief says about those who hold it is actually more revealing than anything it says about gay people — because our judgments of others almost always say more about us than them.

This same belief allows straight people to dismiss long-lasting gay relationships. It kept gay and lesbian people from the right to marry for decades. The reality is that gay people are gay not because of sex, but because they fall in love with the same gender. If it were just about sex, they might call themselves something else. Many gay people find — or wish they could find — a rich and fulfilling partnership that looks a lot like a straight marriage. Love is love.

When did you choose your sexual orientation? At what point did you decide which gender you would be attracted to? If you ever thought you were attracted to the same sex but then chose to be attracted only to the opposite sex — I would dare guess you are likely gay.

Being gay is like being left-handed. A left-handed person can learn to act right-handed — but that doesn't make them right-handed. There was a time when left-handedness was considered shameful and children were forced to use their right hands. Studies show those children suffered psychologically, had higher rates of suicide, and had a harder time learning. We know better now about left-handedness. Many of us still don't know better about being gay.

The choices gay people do make are real: to be honest or dishonest, to live openly or in hiding, to accept themselves or spend a lifetime trying to be someone they are not. Those are the actual choices involved.